Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts

Depression is a liar!

Today is Monday

Monday's are not good days, in general, back to work after relaxing / partying on the weekends is never a good feeling... But sometimes you need to sit down, think about what is happening around you, in your life and the lives of those that you hold dear and try to push away those thoughts.

I know, I've been having a proper case of the "Mondays" today, I work in a relatively small team and one of our team is taking a well deserved holiday, but even though we are a lil bit quiet, it's still pressure I don't always do with. Doing my usual scrolling through Facebook, I find a friend post this and it couldn't be more true.


None of these are easy, in fact, they are all pretty hard actually but the more we do these things, the more we learn coping patterns that can help ease our difficult situations. 

I think that I tend to want to take to helping others, making a blog or Youtube vid, wit the vain hope that it might actually help or comfort someone. 

I'm not amazing with words, I get confused really easily, stumble on my words and when pushed and made uncomfortable, back down to completely silent because of confidence issues, not to mention my learning difficulties, but the possibility to help someone through some of the pain I go through daily makes these things easier to cope with. Although I like my job and very much want to stay here, I think my perfect job now, would be to work in helping or counselling those who need help with depression, anxiety and mental health issues. I'd never get the qualifications needed to be a full counsellor but on some kind of advice line would be great and so rewarding for me. I know that is a selfish view to have but being that I have had trouble in most of my jobs with my energy levels, let alone with motivation, but I can see that being a big thing that will help me get up and into work every day. My current job has been great for that and apart from a week of illness due to a possible chest infection (which led to Sinusitis on top of a chest infection which is why I took a whole week off) I've only had one sick day off since I started in September, which is utterly incredible for me. 

One thing I've started recently is getting hold of some Adult colouring books. You may laugh, but there is a lot of study going on, on how beneficial it is to a mind to just be able to switch off and just do something that doesn't require tons of thought, while keeping your hands busy. I done a few while watching the recently leaked episodes of Game Of Thrones. Here are some progress photos... I didnt realise somewhere out of focus until I looked att hem not long ago, whoops!



















Link  Link  Link 

https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&es_th=1&ie=UTF-8#q=adult%20colouring%20books%20facebook%20groups&es_th=1


I've bought tickets to go to the next Antichrist club night which I'm looking forward to going to. It's a fun night out, the music isn't amazing for my taste but I get to hang out with some great people and just be myself around my friends on the fetish scene. I do find it quite different from being out with "Vanilla" friends, as much as I love my friends who are not on the Fetish scene, once you start hanging out with people who tend to be a lot more open-minded in their attitudes towards sex and such, it's hard to "close that door" again and remember to sensor yourself slightly. As open minded as a lot of my friends are, I know some hardcore piss takers and it's hard enough to cope with normal jokes and ribbings, let alone those that would come from mention the kinks I am into,  

Random thought

I only seem to be doing badly in the run up to socialising with the fetish crew. This may be wrong but it could be a trigger as to why I regularly do badly for a week or so, then it gets to Thursday evening / Friday day and I start feeling super positive. I definitely feel sad and down before I go to the Camden Crunch for some reason, but I'm fucked if I know why.

I've been doing so badly at work, I've made mistakes every single day and it's crushing me to get it all so wrong. Wrong maps, wrong addresses, wrong grid information.. It's never ending. Dali met me after work in a little coffee shop in Wood Green and she asked me some super helpful questions on my role and asked me to write down the full processes of my jobs I need to do in my role. Thanks to that, I now have a list that I can edit that can use as a prompt every day, Dali even suggested to create a wallpaper out of it, which I'm going to upload today. I hope it will be of help, I've started taking my vitamins again this morning, hopefully it will give me a bit more power to concentrate and focus on the correct things for the day.

Dali has been so great for me, I haven't been helped so intently since I was at school and my Dad used to help me with my homework. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and frankly childish, but when you have slow cognitive processing skills, on top of strong Asperger's traits with possible Dyslexia and God knows what else, I'll take any and all help anyone is willing to give me.
I don't mean to play down anyone or any help anyone has given me before, but I don't have normal ways of thinking, my mind constantly wonders and does exactly what it wants to do, when it wants to do it. For example, I was writing down one of my processes yesterday, I was tapping away on Dali's laptop and my mind literally stopped and I pictured and cog, like in a watch, that had just jammed and wouldn't move. I literally saw a cog stop moving and became jammed and that's what happened to me. I told Dali this, she stroked the back of my head and calmly spoke to me and asked me a question or 2. She then said to go back and read from the beginning of the process and try again... But once she did that, I was back on track.

I think that somehow my routine has been disrupted and I need to get back into it and stick to it. I'm not fully sure how, something as simple as not making my coffee and bagel in the morning has thrown me, it's definitely led me to not empty the dishwasher like I do every day,it could be effecting more than just that.
I'm going to try and make notes and use post it notes to remind myself what I'm doing and what time I'm doing it, so I don't lose my place and the information is available for me.
I may have been doing badly for a while, but I'm still definitely trying to pull myself through, instead of running away like I have done previously in my life. I just hope I can do it and make my work and myself proud that I've been able to turn it around.
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