Bread Crumbs And White Stones: Music

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I read a recent blog post on Fetlife earlier, and it's made me think about what kink has done for me.

The writer points out that it isn't always easy being a dominant and we don't always want to be the one in charge, however, it has made me think about how different I am now to before.

I feel, in the three years since I've joined Fetlife, I've made leaps and bounds in my mental health and my happiness. I no longer have the relationship with my wife that literally clouded my whole entire consciousness to the point that I couldn't be happy for any extended period of time. I no longer live in what was a toxic environment where I was exposed to the constant stream of bad news and drama that plagued me and those who lived there.

One of the added bonuses from the growth of the last few years is not only leaving my wife and my mind being clearer, I also feel that being listened to and not constantly having the piss taken out of me (by the friends I've made on the Metal and Alternative scene, not so much at home ha), I have been able to assert myself more and actually feel like I'm being listened to and not always being put down but those who are whittier and have more assertive than me.

I believe I have stuck up for myself more, tried to engage instead of sitting back and just listening. I've never been one who enjoyed sitting in a group of people and just debating about the more important of subjects because those with bigger personalities, funnier and sometimes, just louder voices, will always be heard over someone like me, but thankfully, with the vast majority of the people around me now, that doesn't seem to be much of a problem, thankfully.

Maybe it's partly that the kink people respect me more (I am still wondering why haha) and they value what I have to say, or I am able to put myself better to the kinky people than those who are not part of those circles? Who knows.

Anyways, just some thoughts I thought I would put down.

I have seen what it means
To detest and to care
And to outlive the dream of you and me
This has been a disease overtaking a new
Sense of being

Pain staring from your eyes
Have we made a promise?
Strained too far this lie
The trust has been broken again

And this path will never lead
Past the nightmare straight
Towards my grace.
Not another fucking forfeit....Forget.

Rising hate left to fear
I won't be buried in here...No
Buried in here

Now crawl into the shadows
Your power betrayed lied and wept
A self destructive ocean.
Displaced this torment
And it's dyin' for destruction
It will devour our pain; just let it
Release this agony.
We can't control it
Some things were meant to be.
Some things were meant to be just....
Torturous Pain.

An awesome friend introduced me to Snow Tha Product a few days ago, I didn't get a chance to listen to the track straight away but once I did, I was obsessed.

On the above track, "Nights", she sampled a song called "Night Like This" by W.Darling and... Well, maybe I need to put a little bit of background down.

The last week I have been really busy and quite tired from work, the heat wave London / England has been having and a what is possibly a permanent falling apart of a friendship with someone, but shortly after, came some clarity and a massive shift in mind and heart. It's probably of no coincidence that Snow reminds me of this person, same heritage and more than brings back memories of better times.

Now, it wasn't so much the lyrics of Nights that got me, it was the vocal lines and the music itself. I've listened to it a fair few times, more than someone should through fear of getting sick of it, but there was something my ears and possibly more of me, was just needing to hear more of. I then decided to look up W.Darling and her song "Nights Like This"

And I'm so glad I did. There is just something about W.Darlings gorgeous voice and the music in this song that just gets into my heart to just release and alleviate the pent up negativity and pain I've been carrying with me for just over a year.

I'm not totally healed, but I'm on the way to growing from this and moving past the pain and heartache I've been through for past year and few months. I literally wouldn't be here if it were not for some of the amazing friends I have made through the London Fetish scene.

I guess this is more for those that have looked out for me at any point, to just let them know without them, I wouldn't be here, I appreciate them more than they will ever know.

I downloaded the Taylor Swift 1989 World Tour video and without realising it, I hadn't listened to her 1989 album for bloody ages.... And after the first song "Welcome to New York" I realised probably why.

I've been into Taylor since a few songs before this album but nothing was compared to when I heard 1989 and I've been a fan ever since. When it was announced that she was playing on my 35th Birthday in Hyde Park, I knew I had to go. Thankfully I only gave enough money for my friend to buy me a ticket and not one for my wife who I was still with when they went on sale.

By the time the gig came around, I had fallen in love and she had left the country to go back home to the USA, I was jobless and utterly heartbroken. Even though it was my birthday, I felt I had nothing to celebrate, no one had been bothered that it was my birthday much so I wasn't really feeling very loved (little did I know what would happen the next day) so I was on a pretty low ebb.

By the time Taylor hit the stage, the sun had been out all day, it had been gorgeous and I had hung out with a great friend and her friends and we had nothing but a laugh. The show started out great and Taylor sounded amazing... but I knew that when songs like "You Are In Love", "This Love" and my all time favourite "Style", I would be pretty much a mess... And here is why.

As anyone who knows me know, music is my life, there is not a time I am not listening to music, unless I am asleep or watching TV or a film, so it's pretty damn important to me. Now when someone comes into my life and makes an impact like my ex-partner did, it would leave such a mark that the feeling some of my all time favourite songs gives me are almost identical as what she did to me when I saw her face, her smile and heard her voice.

As a predicted, when the aforementioned songs were played, it was almost too hard to contain, but I totally lost it during "Style". Thankfully my friend Sam completely understood my heartache and just held my arm and hand while I fought back the tears. Even though I was incredibly happy that I was getting to hear a favourite artist play an absolutely frigging brilliant set, it reminded me that someone that I truly love, care for and want to be with, was no longer with me and I have absolutely no idea when I will see her next.

I've never broken a bone, had to be in hospital over night, I've had some pretty awful illnesses but nothing over a week or so, but I believe that I would rather break a bone or two than go through the heartache I've experienced with my wife and my now ex-partner.

I'm not sure where I am going with this really, I think it's more of a vent because of all the memories that have surfaced because of listening to these songs again...... eh

I keep thinking about what to put down in my next blog, So many things to talk about the next general election,

Enoch Powell being a Satanic child abuser, how good the new Strung Out record is and so many others.

A big thing recently is the reaction to the plain crash caused by the pilot who crashed a airplane in the alps, killing all 150 people on board. I'm not going to go into specifics on who was a child, adult, black or white because a loss of life, is a loss of life, who that person was is immaterial. They all had families of some description, so to pinpoint what was more of a loss (including which country the dead hailed from) is just crass.

A lot of the media seem to be fixation on the news that the pilot suffered from depression. I'm by no stretch of the imagination any kind of expert, but let's talk about this and mention some facts.

It's been reported that the heart rate of the pilot didn't falter or change in the final few minutes before impact. What does this say to me? It says that he was full in control and "calm" in what he was doing.

When I am suffering from a depressive episode or having an anxiety attack, I know for a fact I am all over the place, often suffering from sweats, often headaches and but mostly, a racing and thumping heart. Apparently these were lacking in this pilot at the time. This, even to me, sounds like a psychotic break and not a typical depressive episode.

I know I'm not everybody, people are individuals and we all react differently but even when playing a practical joke on someone, my heart rate starts to react, not much but enough for it to register, I personally, in the middle of any kind of attack, would have a hard time seeing straight, let alone remember how to operate a plane or be able to run through a plan involving one.

As the British press are well known for their accuracy in reporting facts.... (hahaha sorry, I can't even type that without laughing at how absurd they can be at times) I personally have ignored a lot of it because I know I'll get extremely angry and will end up spending the rest of my free time punching keys, figuratively and possibly actually trying to educate those oh so lovely people in the newspaper website comment sections, none obviously worse than the Daily Fail. Here is a good article on the Guardian website that is worth a read.

I know that this post won't get out to a hell of a lot of people but, it's worth noting that you never know who is out there, who will find your words, and who will find what you say helpful.

Somewhere around August / September last 2014 not long before I got my current job, I somehow had a mental shift. I woke one day feeling good for no apparent reason, although weirded out, it felt great. I still go up and down often, yesterday is a great example of having a down day, but it's important to anyone who suffers from depression to please hold on, never give in and keep pushing forward.

I can't promise things will be easy as life is a bitch and will beat you down, but the trick is to fight back. It's not easy, even slightly, but I've been through times where those train tracks or high speed traffic looked pretty inviting, or the pull of alcohol (I don't drink and have never been drunk) was getting pretty fierce but I've got this far, doesn't mean others can't.

All this has reminded me of one of my all time heros, Bill Hicks. The legendary comedian couldn't have known the impact of his work, but the famous "It's Just A Ride" skit hit home with me and millions around the world.

Here is the full transcript of the skit...

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

While typing this post, a favourite song came on by the rapper Angel Haze. Although the rapper does not like the use of gendered pronouns, I will have to use one to describe her.

A friend told me about her about a year ago, I wasn't keen at first but I was told to check out her first album "Dirty Gold" on Spotify and it is actually a pretty damn awesome album. 'Deep Sea Diver' is my favourite track, but 'Angels and Airwaves' came up on my compilation I was listening to and thought it was pretty apt for the moment.

Here is a quick sample of the final lyrics, just so you can understand the perfect timing of writing this post and the pleasure it was to have it come on when it did.

"So when you feel so invisible you're not even sure you exist

So you cut yourself open just to see if you real

You numb yourself with drugs just to hide what you feel

You drink the washed up pain in hopes of rejecting it afterwards

You live everyday wishing you could rewind your life backwards

Because you wanna figure out where the fuck you went wrong

Cause everything in your world ain't been right for so long

I know how it feels

So this is for you

If you're thinking it now

If you're wanting to die

If you're thinking it out

You are so much more than you are in this moment

You never know how great you can be

Don't give up on you

I didn't gave up on me"

Anyways, I think that is enough for now...

::EDIT:: I apologise for the formatting on this bloody thing, I can't seem to get it to change and look better. I'll keep trying ::

Well, with this being attempt number 2 because of a crashed app on my phone, I hope to replicate everything I wrote before.

I've pretty much had all the blogging sites at one point or another and thought I'd give it another go.

I'm Andrew, I'm 34, nearly 35. That's me on the right with my long time friend Ross. Known him since 1995 / 1996.

I am a huge music, TV show, film and nerd culture fan. Shawn Barber, Tom Bagshaw, Tyson Mcadoo, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, I Killed The Prom Queen, Doomtree, After The Burial, All Shall Perish, Iggy Azalea, Andrew Hinkinbottom, Papa Ninja, Chew, Saga, Rat Queens, Clue and so many more.

I enjoy collecting comics, tattoos, art and other fun things.

I love Funko Pop Vinyls, as you can see and I'm fast running out of room to display and store them, ARGH!

I am separated from my wife after 7 plus years of marriage and nearly 10 years of being together. I have slow cognitive processing problems, along with strong Asperger's traits. I also suffer from depression and anxiety.

I got diagnosed with 2007. I had always wondered why I had such down times, but didn't contemplate that it was actually depression, but the night after my birthday in 2007,

I was walking down the stairs and by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs of the house my partner and I shared, I was in floods of tears, for no apparent reason. Not long before a friend's sister had been kidnapped and murdered, there was a group of people reposting bulletins on Myspace, which was big at the time, to try to help to find her, but within the day, her body had been found and although I had never met the girl and only knew her brother, it sent me into a spiral of depression, so much so, that the doctor signed me off for a month off of work. Since then I have tried more than 6 or 7 and I found them all to be awful for various reasons. Sme of which I have used include Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Paroxetine, and Sertraline. I've had them at varying doses and still have never agreed with me. I fight the self doubt, down feelings and self hatred daily. To constantly doubt everything one does, makes for a utterly exhausting existence and I wouldn't wish it upon

I've been in and out of counselling for depression, the latest ending because "I don't seem to be in the right place to want to change anything, I'm more happy with letting things happen"/ This angered me greatly, but as I'm pretty slow, I had no idea how to react, so I left with an invite to get re-referred if I need it or to contact in 6 months for a check up on my situation. Considering I expressed my anxiety about losing my job due to my problems and actually doing a task I was set by them, which was to move out and make changes in my life, it apparently still was not enough... Go frigging figure. After about 7 years of being bounced about for help, do you really think I've got the energy to fight for help by screaming at your and making a scene when I have to fight myself internally every day, juggle work, a separation, Aspergers traits, learning difficulties and the other lil fun things life likes to throw at people. I was actually told by someone who shall remain nameless that I should have fought for help and not let it happen, like I was to blame for them "fobbing me off". Am I the only one in thinking that I shouldn't have to do anything of the like to get help? I've spent 7/8 years trying, isn't that enough for them? Clearly not.

Since my diagnosis of Depression, I have had Anxiety added to that too. I've had quite a few moments when my anxiety has been so bad that I thought I would pass out, only on two occasions it has happened. Once when I had a kung fu grading when I was young and one when a friendship broke down for a second time and I had just been told that my 2 friends no longer wanted to talk to me. I was about to have a meeting with my team manager at the call centre I worked in and I just felt like I couldn't breath and put my head on the desk next to my manager and ended up falling of the chair on to the floor. One of the managers run over and put me in the recovery position and had an ambulance called. I had all the normal checks done and after an hour or so was told to go home. I've had several close calls since then, I just hope it doesn't happen again anytime soon.

I've only found out about the Asperger's within the last 3 years but have yet to actually get any help with this, along with the slow cognitive problems. I was given this information while being under the care of The Tavistock and Portman Centre but it was never treated in any way.
I currently work for a equality and diversity training company and I pretty much love it. The role is varied, I get to listen to my own music and dress in my own clothes and I couldn't really ask for more. However, my processing problems and AS are affecting my work massively and I am worried I am going to lose my job, like I lost my last one. One of my main problems is my lack of attention to detail, I just plain can't see things. I get easily confused and working in an office where the phone can go at any time and with so many varying roles, the need to job to another job is always near and I need to be able to keep track of previous jobs and manage a workload and work out priorities, which is turning out to not a be a strong suit of mine.
I desperately want to keep my job, so took the initiative to contact Mencap to try and see what they can do to help. I've been given some information that I am going to check out and see if I can get some help before I lose another job because of my ever mounting amount of mental health problems / disabilities.

I've recently started to venture out on the London Fetish scene. I now have the pleasure of running a once monthly "Munch", the Under 35's at the Cittie Of York Pub in Chancery Lane which I co-run with a lovely lady, Emma. I'm am also a regular at the Camden Crunch which is a fun night out night out for those interested. It's a once monthly club where people who are part of the fetish scene to go and socialise. There is no Play there like other Fetish clubs like Torture Garden, Club Rub, Antichrist and such but it has a great atmosphere, there is a dance floor area with a DJ that plays anything between 60's rock and roll all the way through the years up until the most recent charts hits. There is also a more chilled out side bar where people like to just drink and hang out and catch up with friends.

I've known about the fetish scene for quite a few years, through the photo sections of magazines like Loaded and such who used to go there to take photos to put in the Lads Mags. My first ever exposure was when Kerrang Magazine reviewed a gig by the industrial Metal band The Genitorturers and there was a huge picture of someone doing their angle grinding act while they were performing. Years later, I would find out that my parents were going out to fetish clubs. A story I love to tell is one when when I was still living at home, I was 19 and a group of friends and I came back to my parents house after a club, it was like 4am on a Sunday morning, just drinking coffee and tea and about 5am we hear keys hitting the front door. So we all poke our heads out of the front room door... To see my parents walk in, clothed in fetish wear, just getting in from Torture Garden. At 19 years of age, I had been outdone by my parents, OH THE HUMILIATION!! But it was definitely worth it for the story.
I will possibly add to this post but I hope to keep this blog a lil bit more up to date than those previous to it. Hope this has been helpful to anyone out there.