Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

My Wife Posted...

on Facebook a meme that said

"If you could write a note to your younger self, what would it say, in two words?"

I had to stop myself from saying "Falling in love with an American who would leave eventually"

But I realised I couldn't post that on her frigging post.... and it still wouldn't make sense to the question asked.... LOL Muppet.

Who I was, who I am and where I want to be (a work in progress)

Who I was

I was an afraid boy.

I ran from an and all responsibility.

I desperately wanted to be liked & appreciated.

I always sought approval.

I backed down from confrontation.

I had little to no self belief.

If I left my wife, no one else would have me.

I let my frustrations and depression rule so much of my life, I've lost out on doing things with people I care about.

I would put all my love and attention on those those I knew deep down were giving me zero in response.

I always pushed for my friends do to share everything about themselves with me, which pushed too many people away.

I was terrified of death and had regular night terrors that I felt I needed to physically shake off.

Who I am

I have a better view of my capabilities, while I still try to manage and work with my self belief and anxiety.

I now stand up for myself more than I ever have.

I've been able to share my thoughts, love, attention, friendships, time and energy with a whole new group of friends who I can see appreciate me, my time and energy I give and they are able to reciprocate.

I've found several partners and a group of close friends that I have been able to get close to where we are able to exchange serious conversations to laughs to play sessions and everything in between.

I've been able to meet, socialise, connect and play with a wide variety of people, most of which I sometimes pinch myself because they are some of the most fantastic, intelligent, funny, attractive and excellent people I've ever met and I still want to thank them for sharing themselves with me.

I have learned and been able to apply the rule that if someone needs or want help, to give an open offer of being there for them, but not badger them into sharing anything they are not able or wanting to give.

I have had one night terror / anxiety attack in the last year and a half.

Who & where I want to be

I still worry about my mental and physical health but I do work with my therapist and on my own to battle and challenge those days when things are just getting too much.

I still have worries about my future but lives are a work in progress, if we don't adapt, change, challenge and move forward, we become stagnant and won't ever become a better version of ourselves.

I still overshare myself and often give too much of myself to others, but I've worked in and been able to hold back with those who don't give back.

Positivity

I had a long arse status about looking back at myself and how negative I've been throughout the years but I'm now looking in a way more positive side of life, but I thought I was making it way more complicated than it needed to be... So I thought I'd just leave it at, bad things happen, but moving past them and looking at the good things in my life, is a much better way to be and I am thankfully able to do this an incredible amount more than I ever have been able to and I believe this to be because of some of the wonderful people I have in my life now.

2015 / 2016 has been absolutely awful in places, but considering the state I was in about a year ago mentally after a break-up with someone special, I'm in such a good place, with some amazing partners and friends, that I literally wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you to those still in my life and those that aren't any longer, thank you for being there at some point.

Onwards and upwards

LOVE

All Shall Perish - The Last Relapse

I have seen what it means
To detest and to care
And to outlive the dream of you and me
This has been a disease overtaking a new
Sense of being

Pain staring from your eyes
Have we made a promise?
Strained too far this lie
The trust has been broken again

And this path will never lead
Past the nightmare straight
Towards my grace.
Not another fucking forfeit....Forget.

Rising hate left to fear
I won't be buried in here...No
Buried in here

Now crawl into the shadows
Your power betrayed lied and wept
A self destructive ocean.
Displaced this torment
And it's dyin' for destruction
It will devour our pain; just let it
Release this agony.
We can't control it
Some things were meant to be.
Some things were meant to be just....
Torturous Pain.

It's been a year since....

I downloaded the Taylor Swift 1989 World Tour video and without realising it, I hadn't listened to her 1989 album for bloody ages.... And after the first song "Welcome to New York" I realised probably why.

I've been into Taylor since a few songs before this album but nothing was compared to when I heard 1989 and I've been a fan ever since. When it was announced that she was playing on my 35th Birthday in Hyde Park, I knew I had to go. Thankfully I only gave enough money for my friend to buy me a ticket and not one for my wife who I was still with when they went on sale.

By the time the gig came around, I had fallen in love and she had left the country to go back home to the USA, I was jobless and utterly heartbroken. Even though it was my birthday, I felt I had nothing to celebrate, no one had been bothered that it was my birthday much so I wasn't really feeling very loved (little did I know what would happen the next day) so I was on a pretty low ebb.

By the time Taylor hit the stage, the sun had been out all day, it had been gorgeous and I had hung out with a great friend and her friends and we had nothing but a laugh. The show started out great and Taylor sounded amazing... but I knew that when songs like "You Are In Love", "This Love" and my all time favourite "Style", I would be pretty much a mess... And here is why.

As anyone who knows me know, music is my life, there is not a time I am not listening to music, unless I am asleep or watching TV or a film, so it's pretty damn important to me. Now when someone comes into my life and makes an impact like my ex-partner did, it would leave such a mark that the feeling some of my all time favourite songs gives me are almost identical as what she did to me when I saw her face, her smile and heard her voice.

As a predicted, when the aforementioned songs were played, it was almost too hard to contain, but I totally lost it during "Style". Thankfully my friend Sam completely understood my heartache and just held my arm and hand while I fought back the tears. Even though I was incredibly happy that I was getting to hear a favourite artist play an absolutely frigging brilliant set, it reminded me that someone that I truly love, care for and want to be with, was no longer with me and I have absolutely no idea when I will see her next.

I've never broken a bone, had to be in hospital over night, I've had some pretty awful illnesses but nothing over a week or so, but I believe that I would rather break a bone or two than go through the heartache I've experienced with my wife and my now ex-partner.

I'm not sure where I am going with this really, I think it's more of a vent because of all the memories that have surfaced because of listening to these songs again...... eh

"Why Daddies make the best boyfriends" or so this journo wants you to believe.

This writing is in response to this pretty awful piece of "journalism".

http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/why-daddies-make-the-best-boyfriends/15/


I fully understand that it's meant as a bit of fluff that anyone in the know would laugh at, but for those who have no idea on the fetish scene or are new, they could get completely the wrong idea and I'm not about to let that happen.

I wasn't planning on posting this anywhere apart from on that page but it posted to my FB and it got quite a few positive comments, so I thought I'd repost here too.

If anyone has any comments, or anything to add, please comment, I'm always up for a discussion and want to expand my perceptions on life and the scene.

"Wow, talk about over simplification of the whole thing. You've completely confused sugar Daddies and Daddy Doms and some how made them sound like perfect examples for those with Daddy issues. Although the article is presented in a "fun" way, you've totally made fun role play into something creepy and dangerous.

As much as a Daddy Dom should look out for their partner, babygirl, brat, little or whatever they are, a Daddy Dom is not a therapist / replacement for a real father figure and it's not advisable to be looking for someone to be that for that.

I'm not saying that it's not possible for someone looking for a Daddy to find a positive force in their life, but if these are the goals you set yourself up with, be prepared for a mighty fall, along with being branded a gold digger amongst other such negativity.

I'm not even gonna have the time to go into the nievitaty of the mention of spankings. Unless you understand the want and need to submit to someone else, you'll never understand the need for spankings and other such punishments.

I'm on the fetish scene and have been for the last few years and although I'm not going to out my role here, I know the differences between the mash up you've presented here under the guise of a "Daddy" role and it's a piss poor mess that only someone who has participated in the fetish scene would be able to put back together.

The constant talk of money, nicer possessions and such is again setting people up for a fall again. You don't have to be financially stable or be minted to play the role of Daddy, you just have to be a caring, nurturing partner who wants what's best for their significant other, or others, and not selfish, self centred or controlling. Yes, some Daddy Doms / Dominants take care of monetary situations for their partners, but this is long after friendship, trust and often love has blossomed in the relationship.

You also don't have to be older than your partner to be a Daddy. Be definition, role play is "playing a part", so to say someone has to be older to be a Daddy Dom is just stupid. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, because it clearly does, but it's not an necessity.

I hope that anyone reading this has read my full comment as I take it personally when people try to write about the fetish scene and end up presenting it in a negative light."
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