Bread Crumbs And White Stones: Love

Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

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Who I was

I was an afraid boy.

I ran from an and all responsibility.

I desperately wanted to be liked & appreciated.

I always sought approval.

I backed down from confrontation.

I had little to no self belief.

If I left my wife, no one else would have me.

I let my frustrations and depression rule so much of my life, I've lost out on doing things with people I care about.

I would put all my love and attention on those those I knew deep down were giving me zero in response.

I always pushed for my friends do to share everything about themselves with me, which pushed too many people away.

I was terrified of death and had regular night terrors that I felt I needed to physically shake off.

Who I am

I have a better view of my capabilities, while I still try to manage and work with my self belief and anxiety.

I now stand up for myself more than I ever have.

I've been able to share my thoughts, love, attention, friendships, time and energy with a whole new group of friends who I can see appreciate me, my time and energy I give and they are able to reciprocate.

I've found several partners and a group of close friends that I have been able to get close to where we are able to exchange serious conversations to laughs to play sessions and everything in between.

I've been able to meet, socialise, connect and play with a wide variety of people, most of which I sometimes pinch myself because they are some of the most fantastic, intelligent, funny, attractive and excellent people I've ever met and I still want to thank them for sharing themselves with me.

I have learned and been able to apply the rule that if someone needs or want help, to give an open offer of being there for them, but not badger them into sharing anything they are not able or wanting to give.

I have had one night terror / anxiety attack in the last year and a half.

Who & where I want to be

I still worry about my mental and physical health but I do work with my therapist and on my own to battle and challenge those days when things are just getting too much.

I still have worries about my future but lives are a work in progress, if we don't adapt, change, challenge and move forward, we become stagnant and won't ever become a better version of ourselves.

I still overshare myself and often give too much of myself to others, but I've worked in and been able to hold back with those who don't give back.

I had a long arse status about looking back at myself and how negative I've been throughout the years but I'm now looking in a way more positive side of life, but I thought I was making it way more complicated than it needed to be... So I thought I'd just leave it at, bad things happen, but moving past them and looking at the good things in my life, is a much better way to be and I am thankfully able to do this an incredible amount more than I ever have been able to and I believe this to be because of some of the wonderful people I have in my life now.

2015 / 2016 has been absolutely awful in places, but considering the state I was in about a year ago mentally after a break-up with someone special, I'm in such a good place, with some amazing partners and friends, that I literally wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you to those still in my life and those that aren't any longer, thank you for being there at some point.

Onwards and upwards

LOVE

I have seen what it means
To detest and to care
And to outlive the dream of you and me
This has been a disease overtaking a new
Sense of being

Pain staring from your eyes
Have we made a promise?
Strained too far this lie
The trust has been broken again

And this path will never lead
Past the nightmare straight
Towards my grace.
Not another fucking forfeit....Forget.

Rising hate left to fear
I won't be buried in here...No
Buried in here

Now crawl into the shadows
Your power betrayed lied and wept
A self destructive ocean.
Displaced this torment
And it's dyin' for destruction
It will devour our pain; just let it
Release this agony.
We can't control it
Some things were meant to be.
Some things were meant to be just....
Torturous Pain.

An awesome friend introduced me to Snow Tha Product a few days ago, I didn't get a chance to listen to the track straight away but once I did, I was obsessed.

On the above track, "Nights", she sampled a song called "Night Like This" by W.Darling and... Well, maybe I need to put a little bit of background down.

The last week I have been really busy and quite tired from work, the heat wave London / England has been having and a what is possibly a permanent falling apart of a friendship with someone, but shortly after, came some clarity and a massive shift in mind and heart. It's probably of no coincidence that Snow reminds me of this person, same heritage and more than brings back memories of better times.

Now, it wasn't so much the lyrics of Nights that got me, it was the vocal lines and the music itself. I've listened to it a fair few times, more than someone should through fear of getting sick of it, but there was something my ears and possibly more of me, was just needing to hear more of. I then decided to look up W.Darling and her song "Nights Like This"

And I'm so glad I did. There is just something about W.Darlings gorgeous voice and the music in this song that just gets into my heart to just release and alleviate the pent up negativity and pain I've been carrying with me for just over a year.

I'm not totally healed, but I'm on the way to growing from this and moving past the pain and heartache I've been through for past year and few months. I literally wouldn't be here if it were not for some of the amazing friends I have made through the London Fetish scene.

I guess this is more for those that have looked out for me at any point, to just let them know without them, I wouldn't be here, I appreciate them more than they will ever know.

I downloaded the Taylor Swift 1989 World Tour video and without realising it, I hadn't listened to her 1989 album for bloody ages.... And after the first song "Welcome to New York" I realised probably why.

I've been into Taylor since a few songs before this album but nothing was compared to when I heard 1989 and I've been a fan ever since. When it was announced that she was playing on my 35th Birthday in Hyde Park, I knew I had to go. Thankfully I only gave enough money for my friend to buy me a ticket and not one for my wife who I was still with when they went on sale.

By the time the gig came around, I had fallen in love and she had left the country to go back home to the USA, I was jobless and utterly heartbroken. Even though it was my birthday, I felt I had nothing to celebrate, no one had been bothered that it was my birthday much so I wasn't really feeling very loved (little did I know what would happen the next day) so I was on a pretty low ebb.

By the time Taylor hit the stage, the sun had been out all day, it had been gorgeous and I had hung out with a great friend and her friends and we had nothing but a laugh. The show started out great and Taylor sounded amazing... but I knew that when songs like "You Are In Love", "This Love" and my all time favourite "Style", I would be pretty much a mess... And here is why.

As anyone who knows me know, music is my life, there is not a time I am not listening to music, unless I am asleep or watching TV or a film, so it's pretty damn important to me. Now when someone comes into my life and makes an impact like my ex-partner did, it would leave such a mark that the feeling some of my all time favourite songs gives me are almost identical as what she did to me when I saw her face, her smile and heard her voice.

As a predicted, when the aforementioned songs were played, it was almost too hard to contain, but I totally lost it during "Style". Thankfully my friend Sam completely understood my heartache and just held my arm and hand while I fought back the tears. Even though I was incredibly happy that I was getting to hear a favourite artist play an absolutely frigging brilliant set, it reminded me that someone that I truly love, care for and want to be with, was no longer with me and I have absolutely no idea when I will see her next.

I've never broken a bone, had to be in hospital over night, I've had some pretty awful illnesses but nothing over a week or so, but I believe that I would rather break a bone or two than go through the heartache I've experienced with my wife and my now ex-partner.

I'm not sure where I am going with this really, I think it's more of a vent because of all the memories that have surfaced because of listening to these songs again...... eh

I only seem to be doing badly in the run up to socialising with the fetish crew. This may be wrong but it could be a trigger as to why I regularly do badly for a week or so, then it gets to Thursday evening / Friday day and I start feeling super positive. I definitely feel sad and down before I go to the Camden Crunch for some reason, but I'm fucked if I know why.

I've been doing so badly at work, I've made mistakes every single day and it's crushing me to get it all so wrong. Wrong maps, wrong addresses, wrong grid information.. It's never ending. Dali met me after work in a little coffee shop in Wood Green and she asked me some super helpful questions on my role and asked me to write down the full processes of my jobs I need to do in my role. Thanks to that, I now have a list that I can edit that can use as a prompt every day, Dali even suggested to create a wallpaper out of it, which I'm going to upload today. I hope it will be of help, I've started taking my vitamins again this morning, hopefully it will give me a bit more power to concentrate and focus on the correct things for the day.

Dali has been so great for me, I haven't been helped so intently since I was at school and my Dad used to help me with my homework. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and frankly childish, but when you have slow cognitive processing skills, on top of strong Asperger's traits with possible Dyslexia and God knows what else, I'll take any and all help anyone is willing to give me.

I don't mean to play down anyone or any help anyone has given me before, but I don't have normal ways of thinking, my mind constantly wonders and does exactly what it wants to do, when it wants to do it. For example, I was writing down one of my processes yesterday, I was tapping away on Dali's laptop and my mind literally stopped and I pictured and cog, like in a watch, that had just jammed and wouldn't move. I literally saw a cog stop moving and became jammed and that's what happened to me. I told Dali this, she stroked the back of my head and calmly spoke to me and asked me a question or 2. She then said to go back and read from the beginning of the process and try again... But once she did that, I was back on track.

I think that somehow my routine has been disrupted and I need to get back into it and stick to it. I'm not fully sure how, something as simple as not making my coffee and bagel in the morning has thrown me, it's definitely led me to not empty the dishwasher like I do every day,it could be effecting more than just that.

I'm going to try and make notes and use post it notes to remind myself what I'm doing and what time I'm doing it, so I don't lose my place and the information is available for me.

I may have been doing badly for a while, but I'm still definitely trying to pull myself through, instead of running away like I have done previously in my life. I just hope I can do it and make my work and myself proud that I've been able to turn it around.