Bread Crumbs And White Stones

I'm currently in therapy and through sessions, it's become apparent that even when asked, I don't really have a "safe place". No, not the kind of safe place that the ultra PC demand and the Republicans complain about but fucking cry they want when they feel attacked, but more in the place you can go to in your mind that you somehow, no matter where you are, you can find some peace.

My problem is, I don't think I've ever had one that wasn't a person. It was once my wife and after 4 plus years of emotional neglect, I no longer had a safe place with her. With my ex-partner, she very quickly became a rock for me and even though there was a literal time limit of her being on the same continent as me, I still put all my heart into that relationship which eventually hurt me, through no fault of hers.

I've moved 4 times since leaving my parents and to be honest, nowhere has ever felt like home since I left my parents, and even there now, it doesn't feel like home now because I haven't lived there for years and no of my possessions are there and there is no room for me.

It took a good ten minutes for me to even come up with any kind of idea, and even then, it's not one concrete idea, it's an amalgamation of the nights I used to spend on the dancefloors of several club nights that I lived for between the ages of 15 till around my late 20's. The Borderline in Tottenham Court Road that hosted Rockit, Normality and Vanity where I also saw New Found Glory, Incubus, One Minute Silence, Blink 182, Sick Of It All, Gallows. The Astoria 1 & 2 that hosted Rock Scene and Rock, where I saw Machine Head, Slayer, System Of A Down, Vision of Disorder, Biohazard, Cradle Of Filth, Morbid Angel, Cannibal Corpse, Bad Religion, NOFX, Snuff, Strung Out, Thrice, Misery Signals, Poison The Well and so many more. The Dome in Tufnell Park that hosted Madball downstairs. Le Scandale in Berwick Street that hosted Discipline, Sin on Tottenham Court Road that hosted Asylum. these were the places we went to and more, but all have either been knocked down or just don't do the same kind of clubs anymore.

To be really honest, I'm actually wishing I still could have those nights. The nights where I was first in the door and last out, and dancing to almost every single song.

This isn't being made any better by watching the 100 Days - An Almost World tour documentary of the UK band Architects while out touring their Daybreaker album. Their guitarist Tom Searle died recently after a three-year battle with cancer (FUCK CANCER) and he basically presented and narrated the vast majority of it.

I felt so alienated by anything and everything, apart from when I was on the dancefloor dancing to my favourite bands and songs. Whether it was "Dammit" by Blink 182, "Sellout" by Reel Big Fish, "Within The Walls Of Babylon" by Arkangel, "River Runs Red" by Life Of Agony or "Blistered" by Strife, I felt utterly at home "picking up change", "skanking" or "windmilling" (if you wanna know what these dance moves are, watch "Step Down" by Sick Of It All and it will all make sense.. and yes, we used to do these, including 15/20 people pile ons too).

To me, there is not much better than hearing your favourite songs, at ear-splitting volume, either in a club or live, because everything else, literally everything melts away. For the duration of a gig or a club back in the day, nothing else mattered but the music. Some used it to get stupidly drunk or high, I used it to dance out the anxiety of never fitting it, the frustration of being the long haired Metaller that no on cared about, that no one gave the time to, the one that was pushed around for standing out and not fitting into the shitty little cookie cutter molds of the over achievers or the sports mad kids that picked on anyone and everyone smaller than them or the ones who had any kind of want to not be one of the sheep.

I guess with the loss of most of London's decent music venues, so died my sanctuaries. Some venues still stand but the clubs that were frequented by all those young, friendly, bubbly and insane faces have all aged and moved on from the clubs, the music and each other to some extent.. but what happens to those that still have the music in their heart? Where is their home now? Where the fuck do they get to fucking vent their anger, their frustration at their lives, at society at everything that hasn't got a fucking face to scream into?

The feeling of never being at home, never having your own space that is 100% yours and can never be taken from you, is not only absolutely exhausting but scary. Your friends and "family" can only make you feel as at home as they can, unless you literally have something that can never be taken from you, you may never feel like you can actually rest, let go and be yourself.

The last time I can remember feeling safe, content and happy, apart from who I was with, was when I was on holiday with my wife in 2011-ish. I had just finished one job that was relocating outside of London and was waiting for training for another to start. We had booked ten days in a caravan in Cornwall and by the end of the ten days we were just so emotional and completely and utterly hesitant to go home, but we had no money and no place left to stay, we had to go home. We stopped to get my wife some food from McDonalds, I couldn't eat because we literally had no money left and we were in the car, just down the road from the campsite. My wife could tell there was something wrong and asked me if I was ok and I just completely broke.

I literally completely broke and cried as hard as I have ever cried, I didn't want to go back home to reality, I didn't want to go back to the London life, I didn't want to go back to the drama of home and other people's shit. I was totally inconsolable and I could think of nothing worse than returning to the one room in my wife's parents house where my marriage was going down the drain.

There was trouble between my wife and I for a while, but I think one turning point for the worst was while we were dog sitting our friends two dogs for about the fifth odd time around a year and a half later. We had been warned that Sadie the Blenheim King Charles Spaniel would try to eat anything human food wise, so to put everything away on the counter in the kitchen. I told my wife so many times to put these crisps away, but like so much, she didn't do as she was asked and just fucking left them there because she was far too fucking lazy to put them away.

As we hadn't been sleeping well with the dogs in the room, this was the first night we shut them out of the room we were sleeping in so we could sleep better. After only an hour, Toby, the other King Charles Spaniel, was barking non-stop, I go to check on them and I everything seemed ok, there was no movement out in the garden and I went back to bed. As soon as I got back into bed, he started barking again, but this time I noticed that Sadie was lying half way in and out of the curtains. I went over to check on her and she had her nose half in the bag and half out. My panic starts to grow, I tried to listen to her chest to see if I could hear her breathing or... just anything but the only fucking thing I could hear was my heart beat shooting through the roof and sounded like it had lodged in my ears. I tried to revive her but nothing. I called to my wife, but typically, she didn't fucking move, I then just got louder and louder until she decided she would get up to check what I was screaming about. She eventually came into to find my hyperventilating, cradling a motionless Sadie in my arms and just heading into more hysteria.

We called the vets which the dogs were registered at, which was over a half hour drive away... which neither of them drove, so it dumbfounded us that they were registered so far away, but off we go to the vets, to hear one the worst pieces of news I ever got.

Sadie was always the one that sat with me, enjoyed being roughed around, enjoyed playing but also enjoyed hugs and affection. Toby was more like my wife, quite, like attention when they wanted it and not before and such. Sadie was my little girl, I adored her and I know she loved me too, I definitely loved Toby too but there was something else between Sadie and I. I know this sounds insane, but unless you have ever owned a pet or been put in charge of them, you won't know the connection you can get from them.

Although we had our favourites, we adored both of these little ones and always said yes any time we were asked to dog sit for them. There was part of this where it was good to get away and have our own space, but it really came down to being around the beautiful dogs and their unconditional loves they gave both of us. The couple had a routine that anytime the doorbell went, they were to sit on this circular rug just before the long hallway that led to their front door. They were able to sit there and wait for any visitors that came to see them... Unless it was us. Their owners would try as hard as possible to stop them from running past them so they could greet us and it was the exact same every time we went there.... Until the aftermath of that awful day.

Toby and Sadie were a little escape for us both, but that died the day Sadie died and a little bit of me still.... Not hates, but whatever I feel, it's a pretty strong negative feeling for the neglect and irresponsibility my wife showed to the care and attention of what I considered my little girl. I've seen the wife in the couple only like five times since Sadie's death at the end of 2012 and I attribute this as one of the points where my wife and my relationship was broken beyond repair, among the others.

I wasn't expecting the Sadie incident to come out, but considering that little one was a little bit of home too that was cruelly taken from her owners and to be honest, me too, it hurt to have to let go of something that only knew how to love... and run up my chest to lick my face, I fucking miss that little girl.

I'd do anything to hold that silly fucker again.

I'm sorry this was an utter mish mash of topics, the bare bones of it (if you've managed to make it this far, congrats) is that I may have a roof over my head, but I've been homeless for a fair few years now, I wonder if I will ever find my safe place again, I hope so, I really fucking hope so.

Racists, homophobes, elitists and every separatist idealists out there who believe their belief structure is the way forward for everyone and damn those who disagree... I may not have a lot of money, but I'll give you enough money to go buy a fucking clue that will hopefully lead you to realising YOU are what it keeping the rest of humanity from evolving and reaching our next evolutionary step, let alone a higher sense on consciousness. There will never be an end to "war" until we can stop fighting within ourselves and putting ourselves before others. Every single religion and belief system preaches peace and love for each other, yet so many forget that from moment to moment.

It shouldn't matter what sex a person is, who they go to bed with or how they dress. A person’s character and ability is not confined to their looks and the sooner we all drop this ugly trait, the better.

Personally, I've recently lost my job, I'm worried about paying my rent, I've split from my wife and my new partner who I have fallen head over heals for is leaving the UK to go back home to America and I will not get to see her for a minimum of a year, possibly two. For someone who has basically been in different relationships constantly for around 15 years, this is a terrifying idea... But I've still reached out to people who I know have needed help recently, why? Because I can see when others need help and I would never want anyone to go through the alienation and loneliness I have, in part, brought on myself.

My partner found her flatmate completely freaking out and in a heightened state of panic and anxiety and had no idea what to do. I didn’t even know them and I hadn’t even met this person, but I advised her on how to help her friend and deal with their panic and anxiety and told them to pass on the message that I am here for them and if they need or want any advice, I will be an open ear for them. I may not be the best person in expressing my own feelings but I’m fucked if I’m not going to do my best to stop someone hitting the lows I’ve hit.

I'm no saint, far from it, but even I can see that until we all realise that, at the base of everything, we need understanding and tolerance of others, their way of life and their beliefs, without that, we will just implode. The complete shutdown of communication because of a disagreement on ideas will get us nowhere fast, in fact, absolutely nowhere. The media are no help at all, hidden agendas, back-handers and affiliations with scumbags of every kind just muddy the already almost pitch black minefield of life and until we all realise this, nothing can be done.

The nature of human greed is so upsetting, it still shocks me the lows we are capable of. You have people like Nestle Chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe who believes that water isn't a human right and everyone should have to pay for it, this an astounding statement that to me, is bordering on the psychotic. Then you have Uruguayan president Jose Mujica who gives away around 90% plus of his monthly wage away to charity. This is not what we see daily by anyone in power, but why not? Why aren’t we leading by example more? And why don’t other care enough to do these things? As I said, I’m no saint either, but I can see when someone is in need and I feel guilt when I am unable to help someone out which is probably why I try to reach out to those I know who may be in need of something as little as a shoulder to cry on or an open ear to just listen and not question. I’ve had some pretty silly and stupid rants to friends or in personal blogs that were almost fevered rantings. Hey, they happen, doesn’t mean I am a bad person for it and neither are others, just try to be there for those in need.
When celebs give money to charity, most do it anonymously. Look at Jay-Z and Beyonce giving money to help out people from Baltimore or when Ellen Page came out as a Lesbian or when Benedict Cumberbatch wore a t-shirt with “This is what a feminist looks like” written on it. All these people have had hate thrown at them in various forms, but why? What is it about humans that we just have to tear each other down? A good joke is great for everyone and help bond people, but to just throw unadulterated hate at each other, removing people from their lives and such is completely counter-productive and frankly an awful thing to do.

I have a friend who put up a status on FB the other day that they bought a homeless person a sandwich, a drink and something else. I can bet you that at least a few people thought the status was for attention, but you know what? Who gives a shit, a person in need was fed for an evening but some judgmental keyboard warrior is gonna try and tell others about themselves? Bitch, please get down off your high horse, because again, this is what needs to end.
This has probably gone off topic and has probs gone a bit ranty, but I don’t care.

I wanted to end this with a pretty amazing quote that Hatebreed used at the start of their song Before Dishonor

"Its not the blood you spill that gets you what you want - it's the blood we share, your family, your friendships, your community! These are the most valuable things a man can have!"

I keep thinking about what to put down in my next blog, So many things to talk about the next general election,
Enoch Powell being a Satanic child abuser, how good the new Strung Out record is and so many others. 

A big thing recently is the reaction to the plain crash caused by the pilot who crashed a airplane in the alps, killing all 150 people on board. I'm not going to go into specifics on who was a child, adult, black or white because a loss of life, is a loss of life, who that person was is immaterial. They all had families of some description, so to pinpoint what was more of a loss (including which country the dead hailed from) is just crass.

A lot of the media seem to be fixation on the news that the pilot suffered from depression. I'm by no stretch of the imagination any kind of expert, but let's talk about this and mention some facts.

It's been reported that the heart rate of the pilot didn't falter or change in the final few minutes before impact. What does this say to me? It says that he was full in control and "calm" in what he was doing. 

When I am  suffering from a depressive episode or having an anxiety attack, I know for a fact I am all over the place, often suffering from sweats, often headaches and but mostly, a racing and thumping heart. Apparently these were lacking in this pilot at the time. This, even to me, sounds like a psychotic break and not a typical depressive episode. 

I know I'm not everybody, people are individuals and we all react differently but even when playing a practical joke on someone, my heart rate starts to react, not much but enough for it to register, I personally, in the middle of any kind of attack, would have a hard time seeing straight, let alone remember how to operate a plane or be able to run through a plan involving one.

As the British press are well known for their accuracy in reporting facts.... (hahaha sorry, I can't even type that without laughing at how absurd they can be at times) I personally have ignored a lot of it because I know I'll get extremely angry and will end up spending the rest of my free time punching keys, figuratively and possibly actually trying to educate those oh so lovely people in the newspaper website comment sections, none obviously worse than the Daily Fail. Here is a good article on the Guardian website that is worth a read.  

I know that this post won't get out to a hell of a lot of people but, it's worth noting that you never know who is out there, who will find your words, and who will find what you say helpful.

Somewhere around August / September last 2014 not long before I got my current job, I somehow had a mental shift. I woke one day feeling good for no apparent reason, although weirded out, it felt great. I still go up and down often, yesterday is a great example of having a down day, but it's important to anyone who suffers from depression to please hold on, never give in and keep pushing forward.

I can't promise things will be easy as life is a bitch and will beat you down, but the trick is to fight back. It's not easy, even slightly, but I've been through times where those train tracks or high speed traffic looked pretty inviting, or the pull of alcohol (I don't drink and have never been drunk) was getting pretty fierce but I've got this far, doesn't mean others can't.


All this has reminded me of one of my all time heros, Bill Hicks. The legendary comedian couldn't have known the impact of his work, but the famous "It's Just A Ride" skit hit home with me and millions around the world.



Here is the full transcript of the skit...

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

Here is a quick sample of the final lyrics, just so you can understand the perfect timing of writing this post and the pleasure it was to have it come on when it did. 

"So when you feel so invisible you're not even sure you exist

So you cut yourself open just to see if you real

You numb yourself with drugs just to hide what you feel

You drink the washed up pain in hopes of rejecting it afterwards

You live everyday wishing you could rewind your life backwards

Because you wanna figure out where the fuck you went wrong

Cause everything in your world ain't been right for so long

I know how it feels

So this is for you

If you're thinking it now

If you're wanting to die

If you're thinking it out

You are so much more than you are in this moment

You never know how great you can be

Don't give up on you

I didn't gave up on me"

Anyways, I think that is enough for now...

I only seem to be doing badly in the run up to socialising with the fetish crew. This may be wrong but it could be a trigger as to why I regularly do badly for a week or so, then it gets to Thursday evening / Friday day and I start feeling super positive. I definitely feel sad and down before I go to the Camden Crunch for some reason, but I'm fucked if I know why.

I've been doing so badly at work, I've made mistakes every single day and it's crushing me to get it all so wrong. Wrong maps, wrong addresses, wrong grid information.. It's never ending. Dali met me after work in a little coffee shop in Wood Green and she asked me some super helpful questions on my role and asked me to write down the full processes of my jobs I need to do in my role. Thanks to that, I now have a list that I can edit that can use as a prompt every day, Dali even suggested to create a wallpaper out of it, which I'm going to upload today. I hope it will be of help, I've started taking my vitamins again this morning, hopefully it will give me a bit more power to concentrate and focus on the correct things for the day.

Dali has been so great for me, I haven't been helped so intently since I was at school and my Dad used to help me with my homework. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and frankly childish, but when you have slow cognitive processing skills, on top of strong Asperger's traits with possible Dyslexia and God knows what else, I'll take any and all help anyone is willing to give me.

I don't mean to play down anyone or any help anyone has given me before, but I don't have normal ways of thinking, my mind constantly wonders and does exactly what it wants to do, when it wants to do it. For example, I was writing down one of my processes yesterday, I was tapping away on Dali's laptop and my mind literally stopped and I pictured and cog, like in a watch, that had just jammed and wouldn't move. I literally saw a cog stop moving and became jammed and that's what happened to me. I told Dali this, she stroked the back of my head and calmly spoke to me and asked me a question or 2. She then said to go back and read from the beginning of the process and try again... But once she did that, I was back on track.

I think that somehow my routine has been disrupted and I need to get back into it and stick to it. I'm not fully sure how, something as simple as not making my coffee and bagel in the morning has thrown me, it's definitely led me to not empty the dishwasher like I do every day,it could be effecting more than just that.

I'm going to try and make notes and use post it notes to remind myself what I'm doing and what time I'm doing it, so I don't lose my place and the information is available for me.

I may have been doing badly for a while, but I'm still definitely trying to pull myself through, instead of running away like I have done previously in my life. I just hope I can do it and make my work and myself proud that I've been able to turn it around.