I let my frustrations and depression rule so much of my life, I've lost out on doing things with people I care about.
I would put all my love and attention on those those I knew deep down were giving me zero in response.
I always pushed for my friends do to share everything about themselves with me, which pushed too many people away.
I was terrified of death and had regular night terrors that I felt I needed to physically shake off.
Who I am
I have a better view of my capabilities, while I still try to manage and work with my self belief and anxiety.
I now stand up for myself more than I ever have.
I've been able to share my thoughts, love, attention, friendships, time and energy with a whole new group of friends who I can see appreciate me, my time and energy I give and they are able to reciprocate.
I've found several partners and a group of close friends that I have been able to get close to where we are able to exchange serious conversations to laughs to play sessions and everything in between.
I've been able to meet, socialise, connect and play with a wide variety of people, most of which I sometimes pinch myself because they are some of the most fantastic, intelligent, funny, attractive and excellent people I've ever met and I still want to thank them for sharing themselves with me.
I have learned and been able to apply the rule that if someone needs or want help, to give an open offer of being there for them, but not badger them into sharing anything they are not able or wanting to give.
I have had one night terror / anxiety attack in the last year and a half.
Who & where I want to be
I still worry about my mental and physical health but I do work with my therapist and on my own to battle and challenge those days when things are just getting too much.
I still have worries about my future but lives are a work in progress, if we don't adapt, change, challenge and move forward, we become stagnant and won't ever become a better version of ourselves.
I still overshare myself and often give too much of myself to others, but I've worked in and been able to hold back with those who don't give back.
Who I was, who I am and where I want to be (a work in progress)Andrew
11:07
I had a long arse status about looking back at myself and how negative I've been throughout the years but I'm now looking in a way more positive side of life, but I thought I was making it way more complicated than it needed to be... So I thought I'd just leave it at, bad things happen, but moving past them and looking at the good things in my life, is a much better way to be and I am thankfully able to do this an incredible amount more than I ever have been able to and I believe this to be because of some of the wonderful people I have in my life now.
2015 / 2016 has been absolutely awful in places, but considering the state I was in about a year ago mentally after a break-up with someone special, I'm in such a good place, with some amazing partners and friends, that I literally wouldn't change a thing.
Thank you to those still in my life and those that aren't any longer, thank you for being there at some point.
I have seen what it means
To detest and to care
And to outlive the dream of you and me
This has been a disease overtaking a new
Sense of being
Pain staring from your eyes
Have we made a promise?
Strained too far this lie
The trust has been broken again
And this path will never lead
Past the nightmare straight
Towards my grace.
Not another fucking forfeit....Forget.
Rising hate left to fear
I won't be buried in here...No
Buried in here
Now crawl into the shadows
Your power betrayed lied and wept
A self destructive ocean.
Displaced this torment
And it's dyin' for destruction
It will devour our pain; just let it
Release this agony.
We can't control it
Some things were meant to be.
Some things were meant to be just....
Torturous Pain.
An awesome friend introduced me to Snow Tha Product a few days ago, I didn't get a chance to listen to the track straight away but once I did, I was obsessed.
On the above track, "Nights", she sampled a song called "Night Like This" by W.Darling and... Well, maybe I need to put a little bit of background down.
The last week I have been really busy and quite tired from work, the heat wave London / England has been having and a what is possibly a permanent falling apart of a friendship with someone, but shortly after, came some clarity and a massive shift in mind and heart. It's probably of no coincidence that Snow reminds me of this person, same heritage and more than brings back memories of better times.
Now, it wasn't so much the lyrics of Nights that got me, it was the vocal lines and the music itself. I've listened to it a fair few times, more than someone should through fear of getting sick of it, but there was something my ears and possibly more of me, was just needing to hear more of. I then decided to look up W.Darling and her song "Nights Like This"
And I'm so glad I did. There is just something about W.Darlings gorgeous voice and the music in this song that just gets into my heart to just release and alleviate the pent up negativity and pain I've been carrying with me for just over a year.
I'm not totally healed, but I'm on the way to growing from this and moving past the pain and heartache I've been through for past year and few months. I literally wouldn't be here if it were not for some of the amazing friends I have made through the London Fetish scene.
I guess this is more for those that have looked out for me at any point, to just let them know without them, I wouldn't be here, I appreciate them more than they will ever know.
That moment a song does more for you than wordsAndrew
11:23
