I have seen what it means
To detest and to care
And to outlive the dream of you and me
This has been a disease overtaking a new
Sense of being
Pain staring from your eyes
Have we made a promise?
Strained too far this lie
The trust has been broken again
And this path will never lead
Past the nightmare straight
Towards my grace.
Not another fucking forfeit....Forget.
Rising hate left to fear
I won't be buried in here...No
Buried in here
Now crawl into the shadows
Your power betrayed lied and wept
A self destructive ocean.
Displaced this torment
And it's dyin' for destruction
It will devour our pain; just let it
Release this agony.
We can't control it
Some things were meant to be.
Some things were meant to be just....
Torturous Pain.
An awesome friend introduced me to Snow Tha Product a few days ago, I didn't get a chance to listen to the track straight away but once I did, I was obsessed.
On the above track, "Nights", she sampled a song called "Night Like This" by W.Darling and... Well, maybe I need to put a little bit of background down.
The last week I have been really busy and quite tired from work, the heat wave London / England has been having and a what is possibly a permanent falling apart of a friendship with someone, but shortly after, came some clarity and a massive shift in mind and heart. It's probably of no coincidence that Snow reminds me of this person, same heritage and more than brings back memories of better times.
Now, it wasn't so much the lyrics of Nights that got me, it was the vocal lines and the music itself. I've listened to it a fair few times, more than someone should through fear of getting sick of it, but there was something my ears and possibly more of me, was just needing to hear more of. I then decided to look up W.Darling and her song "Nights Like This"
And I'm so glad I did. There is just something about W.Darlings gorgeous voice and the music in this song that just gets into my heart to just release and alleviate the pent up negativity and pain I've been carrying with me for just over a year.
I'm not totally healed, but I'm on the way to growing from this and moving past the pain and heartache I've been through for past year and few months. I literally wouldn't be here if it were not for some of the amazing friends I have made through the London Fetish scene.
I guess this is more for those that have looked out for me at any point, to just let them know without them, I wouldn't be here, I appreciate them more than they will ever know.
That moment a song does more for you than wordsAndrew
11:23
I downloaded the Taylor Swift 1989 World Tour video and without realising it, I hadn't listened to her 1989 album for bloody ages.... And after the first song "Welcome to New York" I realised probably why.
I've been into Taylor since a few songs before this album but nothing was compared to when I heard 1989 and I've been a fan ever since. When it was announced that she was playing on my 35th Birthday in Hyde Park, I knew I had to go. Thankfully I only gave enough money for my friend to buy me a ticket and not one for my wife who I was still with when they went on sale.
By the time the gig came around, I had fallen in love and she had left the country to go back home to the USA, I was jobless and utterly heartbroken. Even though it was my birthday, I felt I had nothing to celebrate, no one had been bothered that it was my birthday much so I wasn't really feeling very loved (little did I know what would happen the next day) so I was on a pretty low ebb.
By the time Taylor hit the stage, the sun had been out all day, it had been gorgeous and I had hung out with a great friend and her friends and we had nothing but a laugh. The show started out great and Taylor sounded amazing... but I knew that when songs like "You Are In Love", "This Love" and my all time favourite "Style", I would be pretty much a mess... And here is why.
As anyone who knows me know, music is my life, there is not a time I am not listening to music, unless I am asleep or watching TV or a film, so it's pretty damn important to me. Now when someone comes into my life and makes an impact like my ex-partner did, it would leave such a mark that the feeling some of my all time favourite songs gives me are almost identical as what she did to me when I saw her face, her smile and heard her voice.
As a predicted, when the aforementioned songs were played, it was almost too hard to contain, but I totally lost it during "Style". Thankfully my friend Sam completely understood my heartache and just held my arm and hand while I fought back the tears. Even though I was incredibly happy that I was getting to hear a favourite artist play an absolutely frigging brilliant set, it reminded me that someone that I truly love, care for and want to be with, was no longer with me and I have absolutely no idea when I will see her next.
I've never broken a bone, had to be in hospital over night, I've had some pretty awful illnesses but nothing over a week or so, but I believe that I would rather break a bone or two than go through the heartache I've experienced with my wife and my now ex-partner.
I'm not sure where I am going with this really, I think it's more of a vent because of all the memories that have surfaced because of listening to these songs again...... eh
This has been brewing in me for days, so unfortunately, here it comes.
I've stopped and restarted this post so many times because nothing sounds right. nothing can convey the utter disgust, pain and absolute anguish at the lack of empathy for fellow humans. From the absolute straight-washing of journos on Sky News, to the attempt of media outlets trying to push yet another Islamophobia angle, to the judge who let a fucking rapist off with six months, he'll get out in three, if he's "good".
First off, Anyone who still backs the owning of guns in America, sorry but you are an idiot. You have had over 372 massacres, killing over 475 plus and wounding 1870 in the year 2015 because of guns. in total, As of December 23, a total of 12,942 people had been killed in the United States in 2015 in a gun homicide, unintentional shooting, or murder/suicide.You know the last time anything like this happened in England and Australia, NOT LONG BEFORE THEY WERE FUCKING BANNED! 1996 in Dunblane in Scotland and 1996 in Port Arthur in Australia and both banned guns by 1997. You say an amendment can't be changed, yeah well, there was an amendment that allowed rich white guys to own black slaves, REMEMBER HOW THAT ONE WORKED OUT?!?! Your politicians are absolutely corrupt and in the pockets of corporations, we are not much better but at least we don't have fucking lone terrorists running round shooting up schools, colleges and fucking night clubs. To anyone who has felt lost, whether they live an alternative lifestyle, they are Gay, Bi, into the fetish scene or whatever constitutes not being "normal", most will never understand the feeling of going to somewhere where you are "allowed" to be yourself and now, because of one piece of pond scum, the whole community, town, state and country are gonna be second guessing if it's fucking safe to be who they are. They have been fucking robbed of their freedom, let's not fuck about here, they have been robbed and those who still back the absolute joke called the US guns laws are to blame. I actually don't give a shit who I offend with this because there is no reasoning that FIFTY people lost their lives and countless more have been affected because you idiots can't get your shit together and save your families, your friends, your loved ones and your fellow human beings. A vote against gun reform is against your fellow humans, PERIOD! End of discussion.
If anyone wants to say that owning a gun will save them from terrorists, present them with this little statistic. From 2005-2015, 71 Americans were killed in terrorist attacks on U,S, soil, 301,797 were killed by gun violence during the same period. Wanna debate what is more of a threat to the American people? Terrorists, or your own fellow Americans?
The straight / white washing in the media. Yet again, if you aren't white and male, you pretty much can go fucking hang for all the British and American media care. The absolutely abhorrent attempt at journalism by the clearly guided and tactfully worded bastards at Sky News trying to unsuccessfully skirt around the fact this was a HATE CRIME against the LGBT community in Orlando.
Moving on to the Rapist Brock Turner. Again, let's not dress this up, if you are a rich white guy, you'll get off almost, if not actually scot free. The lack of empathy for the victim when all you get to hear about is how "awful" it is for "20 minutes of action". That's 20 minutes of action that has impacted another human being and will haunt her for a very long time, if not fucking forever you slimey, disgusting, reptilian bastard! I am trying very hard not to wish bad things on people as I actually don't wish pain and anguish on anyone, but sometimes, you just wish someone would experience the pain they've caused others because right not one member of that family has anyone but their precious little swimmer in mind. If this were my child, good god damn would they be made to understand what they have done. I understand supporting your family, but seriously, at the cost of another? I don't think so. I watched a video of a mother shaving her daughters head when she was given the news her child was bullying a cancer victim. Not that I agree with videoing the head shaving was the answer, but it definitely illustrates the point that she had gone too far and someone was gonna hold her accountable for her actions.
The lack of empathy has brought all these cases and many many more under the same banner that no one cares enough. The rapes and oppression women face anywhere in the world still, not just developing countries, very much still in the first world too, to the un-covered atrocities in Africa and Asia and so many more. We need to be looking out for each other and not just turning a blind eye and saying "Not my problem", I'm sorry mate, if you share a town, city, country, continent or planet with another who is suffering, it should be your duty to be that person who cares. You can't fight every battle, but actually standing up for at least one would fucking help.
Until we can literally stand as one, we will always fall divided. Stop giving a shit about someones, race, sexuality, religion or lifestyle and start helping those in need.
This month or so I have definitely been coming down from a pretty decent rise in positivity and it's not been utterly awful and I've definitely had some memories that I'll treasure but the last few weeks have been harder than I would have liked them to be.
As positive as getting a job is and all the great feedback I'm getting from being there, there has been a few days where I was finding it hard to keep myself from crying at my desk while attempting to work...
But yesterday, after a Thursday that nothing especially bad went wrong but it was a "everything went wrong" kinda day, I went out with two friends for food and some shopping and it turned out to be the day I need more than anything else. I laughed harder than I have in months, to the point of almost crying because it hurt so much while in front of the poor girl at the till of UniQlo in Oxford Street.
What I'm trying to say is that connecting with people is all we really have in this world, so why not try and put a smile on someones face?
I've definitely been a negative person for a lot of my life, mostly without realising it and yes, I'll prob have my moments here and there but with all the negativity, malice and hatred in the world, why would you really want to add to that? Wouldn't the world be a nicer place to be in if we all opened a door for someone else once in a while and the other person made eye contact and smiled? Little acts of kindness like this, or making a friend smile or gut laugh because you are acting like a fool for their own and your enjoyment would help bring in some well needed love into the world.
Be nice to those around you, because we are all fighting battles and you never know when that one act of kindness will be the one thing from stopping doing something that would turn their world from being a shower of hell to a small ray of sunshine.
