Random thought

I only seem to be doing badly in the run up to socialising with the fetish crew. This may be wrong but it could be a trigger as to why I regularly do badly for a week or so, then it gets to Thursday evening / Friday day and I start feeling super positive. I definitely feel sad and down before I go to the Camden Crunch for some reason, but I'm fucked if I know why.

I've been doing so badly at work, I've made mistakes every single day and it's crushing me to get it all so wrong. Wrong maps, wrong addresses, wrong grid information.. It's never ending. Dali met me after work in a little coffee shop in Wood Green and she asked me some super helpful questions on my role and asked me to write down the full processes of my jobs I need to do in my role. Thanks to that, I now have a list that I can edit that can use as a prompt every day, Dali even suggested to create a wallpaper out of it, which I'm going to upload today. I hope it will be of help, I've started taking my vitamins again this morning, hopefully it will give me a bit more power to concentrate and focus on the correct things for the day.

Dali has been so great for me, I haven't been helped so intently since I was at school and my Dad used to help me with my homework. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and frankly childish, but when you have slow cognitive processing skills, on top of strong Asperger's traits with possible Dyslexia and God knows what else, I'll take any and all help anyone is willing to give me.
I don't mean to play down anyone or any help anyone has given me before, but I don't have normal ways of thinking, my mind constantly wonders and does exactly what it wants to do, when it wants to do it. For example, I was writing down one of my processes yesterday, I was tapping away on Dali's laptop and my mind literally stopped and I pictured and cog, like in a watch, that had just jammed and wouldn't move. I literally saw a cog stop moving and became jammed and that's what happened to me. I told Dali this, she stroked the back of my head and calmly spoke to me and asked me a question or 2. She then said to go back and read from the beginning of the process and try again... But once she did that, I was back on track.

I think that somehow my routine has been disrupted and I need to get back into it and stick to it. I'm not fully sure how, something as simple as not making my coffee and bagel in the morning has thrown me, it's definitely led me to not empty the dishwasher like I do every day,it could be effecting more than just that.
I'm going to try and make notes and use post it notes to remind myself what I'm doing and what time I'm doing it, so I don't lose my place and the information is available for me.
I may have been doing badly for a while, but I'm still definitely trying to pull myself through, instead of running away like I have done previously in my life. I just hope I can do it and make my work and myself proud that I've been able to turn it around.

New blog.. New me? Not really

::EDIT:: I apologise for the formatting on this bloody thing, I can't seem to get it to change and look better. I'll keep trying ::
Well, with this being attempt number 2 because of a crashed app on my phone, I hope to replicate everything I wrote before. 

 I've pretty much had all the blogging sites at one point or another and thought I'd give it another go. 

I'm Andrew, I'm 34, nearly 35. That's me on the right with my long time friend Ross. Known him since 1995 / 1996. 
I am a huge music, TV show, film and nerd culture fan. Shawn Barber, Tom Bagshaw, Tyson Mcadoo, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, I Killed The Prom Queen, Doomtree, After The Burial, All Shall Perish, Iggy Azalea, Andrew Hinkinbottom, Papa Ninja, Chew, Saga, Rat Queens, Clue and so many more.

 I enjoy collecting comics, tattoos, art and other fun things.  

I love Funko Pop Vinyls, as you can see and I'm fast running out of room to display and store them, ARGH!
I am separated from my wife after 7 plus years of marriage and nearly 10 years of being together. I have slow cognitive processing problems, along with strong Asperger's traits. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. 
I got diagnosed with 2007. I had always wondered why I had such down times, but didn't contemplate that it was actually depression, but the night after my birthday in 2007,
I was walking down the stairs and by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs of the house my partner and I shared, I was in floods of tears, for no apparent reason. Not long before a friend's sister had been kidnapped and murdered, there was a group of people reposting bulletins on Myspace, which was big at the time, to try to help to find her, but within the day, her body had been found and although I had never met the girl and only knew her brother, it sent me into a spiral of depression, so much so, that the doctor signed me off for a month off of work. Since then I have tried more than 6 or 7 and I found them all to be awful for various reasons. Sme of which I have used include Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Paroxetine, and Sertraline. I've had them at varying doses and still have never agreed with me. I fight the self doubt, down feelings and self hatred daily. To constantly doubt everything one does, makes for a utterly exhausting existence and I wouldn't wish it upon 
I've been in and out of counselling for depression, the latest ending because "I don't seem to be in the right place to want to change anything, I'm more happy with letting things happen"/ This angered me greatly, but as I'm pretty slow, I had no idea how to react, so I left with an invite to get re-referred if I need it or to contact in 6 months for a check up on my situation. Considering I expressed my anxiety about losing my job due to my problems and actually doing a task I was set by them, which was to move out and make changes in my life, it apparently still was not enough... Go frigging figure. After about 7 years of being bounced about for help, do you really think I've got the energy to fight for help by screaming at your and making a scene when I have to fight myself internally every day, juggle work, a separation, Aspergers traits, learning difficulties and the other lil fun things life likes to throw at people. I was actually told by someone who shall remain nameless that I should have fought for help and not let it happen, like I was to blame for them "fobbing me off". Am I the only one in thinking that I shouldn't have to do anything of the like to get help? I've spent 7/8 years trying, isn't that enough for them? Clearly not. 

Since my diagnosis of Depression, I have had Anxiety added to that too. I've had quite a few moments when my anxiety has been so bad that I thought I would pass out, only on two occasions it has happened. Once when I had a kung fu grading when I was young and one when a friendship broke down for a second time and I had just been told that my 2 friends no longer wanted to talk to me. I was about to have a meeting with my team manager at the call centre I worked in and I just felt like I couldn't breath and put my head on the desk next to my manager and ended up falling of the chair on to the floor. One of the managers run over and put me in the recovery position and had an ambulance called. I had all the normal checks done and after an hour or so was told to go home. I've had several close calls since then, I just hope it doesn't happen again anytime soon. 

 I've only found out about the Asperger's within the last 3 years but have yet to actually get any help with this, along with the slow cognitive problems. I was given this information while being under the care of The Tavistock and Portman Centre but it was never treated in any way. 
I currently work for a equality and diversity training company and I pretty much love it. The role is varied, I get to listen to my own music and dress in my own clothes and I couldn't really ask for more. However, my processing problems and AS are affecting my work massively and I am worried I am going to lose my job, like I lost my last one. One of my main problems is my lack of attention to detail, I just plain can't see things. I get easily confused and working in an office where the phone can go at any time and with so many varying roles, the need to job to another job is always near and I need to be able to keep track of previous jobs and manage a workload and work out priorities, which is turning out to not a be a strong suit of mine. 
I desperately want to keep my job, so took the initiative to contact Mencap to try and see what they can do to help. I've been given some information that I am going to check out and see if I can get some help before I lose another job because of my ever mounting amount of mental health problems / disabilities. 
I've recently started to venture out on the London Fetish scene. I now have the pleasure of running a once monthly "Munch", the Under 35's at the Cittie Of York Pub in Chancery Lane which I co-run with a lovely lady, Emma. I'm am also a regular at the Camden Crunch which is a fun night out night out for those interested. It's a once monthly club where people who are part of the fetish scene to go and socialise. There is no Play there like other Fetish clubs like Torture Garden, Club Rub, Antichrist and such but it has a great atmosphere, there is a dance floor area with a DJ that plays anything between 60's rock and roll all the way through the years up until the most recent charts hits. There is also a more chilled out side bar where people like to just drink and hang out and catch up with friends. 
I've known about the fetish scene for quite a few years, through the photo sections of magazines like Loaded and such who used to go there to take photos to put in the Lads Mags. My first ever exposure was when Kerrang Magazine reviewed a gig by the industrial Metal band The Genitorturers and there was a huge picture of someone doing their angle grinding act while they were performing. Years later, I would find out that my parents were going out to fetish clubs. A story I love to tell is one when when I was still living at home, I was 19 and a group of friends and I came back to my parents house after a club, it was like 4am on a Sunday morning, just drinking coffee and tea and about 5am we hear keys hitting the front door. So we all poke our heads out of the front room door... To see my parents walk in, clothed in fetish wear, just getting in from Torture Garden. At 19 years of age, I had been outdone by my parents, OH THE HUMILIATION!! But it was definitely worth it for the story. 
I will possibly add to this post but I hope to keep this blog a lil bit more up to date than those previous to it. Hope this has been helpful to anyone out there. 

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