Depression is a liar!

Today is Monday

Monday's are not good days, in general, back to work after relaxing / partying on the weekends is never a good feeling... But sometimes you need to sit down, think about what is happening around you, in your life and the lives of those that you hold dear and try to push away those thoughts.

I know, I've been having a proper case of the "Mondays" today, I work in a relatively small team and one of our team is taking a well deserved holiday, but even though we are a lil bit quiet, it's still pressure I don't always do with. Doing my usual scrolling through Facebook, I find a friend post this and it couldn't be more true.


None of these are easy, in fact, they are all pretty hard actually but the more we do these things, the more we learn coping patterns that can help ease our difficult situations. 

I think that I tend to want to take to helping others, making a blog or Youtube vid, wit the vain hope that it might actually help or comfort someone. 

I'm not amazing with words, I get confused really easily, stumble on my words and when pushed and made uncomfortable, back down to completely silent because of confidence issues, not to mention my learning difficulties, but the possibility to help someone through some of the pain I go through daily makes these things easier to cope with. Although I like my job and very much want to stay here, I think my perfect job now, would be to work in helping or counselling those who need help with depression, anxiety and mental health issues. I'd never get the qualifications needed to be a full counsellor but on some kind of advice line would be great and so rewarding for me. I know that is a selfish view to have but being that I have had trouble in most of my jobs with my energy levels, let alone with motivation, but I can see that being a big thing that will help me get up and into work every day. My current job has been great for that and apart from a week of illness due to a possible chest infection (which led to Sinusitis on top of a chest infection which is why I took a whole week off) I've only had one sick day off since I started in September, which is utterly incredible for me. 

One thing I've started recently is getting hold of some Adult colouring books. You may laugh, but there is a lot of study going on, on how beneficial it is to a mind to just be able to switch off and just do something that doesn't require tons of thought, while keeping your hands busy. I done a few while watching the recently leaked episodes of Game Of Thrones. Here are some progress photos... I didnt realise somewhere out of focus until I looked att hem not long ago, whoops!



















Link  Link  Link 

https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&es_th=1&ie=UTF-8#q=adult%20colouring%20books%20facebook%20groups&es_th=1


I've bought tickets to go to the next Antichrist club night which I'm looking forward to going to. It's a fun night out, the music isn't amazing for my taste but I get to hang out with some great people and just be myself around my friends on the fetish scene. I do find it quite different from being out with "Vanilla" friends, as much as I love my friends who are not on the Fetish scene, once you start hanging out with people who tend to be a lot more open-minded in their attitudes towards sex and such, it's hard to "close that door" again and remember to sensor yourself slightly. As open minded as a lot of my friends are, I know some hardcore piss takers and it's hard enough to cope with normal jokes and ribbings, let alone those that would come from mention the kinks I am into,  

Depression

I keep thinking about what to put down in my next blog, So many things to talk about the next general election,
Enoch Powell being a Satanic child abuser, how good the new Strung Out record is and so many others. 

A big thing recently is the reaction to the plain crash caused by the pilot who crashed a airplane in the alps, killing all 150 people on board. I'm not going to go into specifics on who was a child, adult, black or white because a loss of life, is a loss of life, who that person was is immaterial. They all had families of some description, so to pinpoint what was more of a loss (including which country the dead hailed from) is just crass.

A lot of the media seem to be fixation on the news that the pilot suffered from depression. I'm by no stretch of the imagination any kind of expert, but let's talk about this and mention some facts.

It's been reported that the heart rate of the pilot didn't falter or change in the final few minutes before impact. What does this say to me? It says that he was full in control and "calm" in what he was doing. 

When I am  suffering from a depressive episode or having an anxiety attack, I know for a fact I am all over the place, often suffering from sweats, often headaches and but mostly, a racing and thumping heart. Apparently these were lacking in this pilot at the time. This, even to me, sounds like a psychotic break and not a typical depressive episode. 

I know I'm not everybody, people are individuals and we all react differently but even when playing a practical joke on someone, my heart rate starts to react, not much but enough for it to register, I personally, in the middle of any kind of attack, would have a hard time seeing straight, let alone remember how to operate a plane or be able to run through a plan involving one.


As the British press are well known for their accuracy in reporting facts.... (hahaha sorry, I can't even type that without laughing at how absurd they can be at times) I personally have ignored a lot of it because I know I'll get extremely angry and will end up spending the rest of my free time punching keys, figuratively and possibly actually trying to educate those oh so lovely people in the newspaper website comment sections, none obviously worse than the Daily Fail. Here is a good article on the Guardian website that is worth a read.  


I know that this post won't get out to a hell of a lot of people but, it's worth noting that you never know who is out there, who will find your words, and who will find what you say helpful.
Somewhere around August / September last 2014 not long before I got my current job, I somehow had a mental shift. I woke one day feeling good for no apparent reason, although weirded out, it felt great. I still go up and down often, yesterday is a great example of having a down day, but it's important to anyone who suffers from depression to please hold on, never give in and keep pushing forward.


I can't promise things will be easy as life is a bitch and will beat you down, but the trick is to fight back. It's not easy, even slightly, but I've been through times where those train tracks or high speed traffic looked pretty inviting, or the pull of alcohol (I don't drink and have never been drunk) was getting pretty fierce but I've got this far, doesn't mean others can't.


All this has reminded me of one of my all time heros, Bill Hicks. The legendary comedian couldn't have known the impact of his work, but the famous "It's Just A Ride" skit hit home with me and millions around the world.

Here is the full transcript of the skit...
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

While typing this post, a favourite song came on by the rapper Angel Haze. Although the rapper does not like the use of gendered pronouns, I will have to use one to describe her.

A friend told me about her about a year ago, I wasn't keen at first but I was told to check out her first album "Dirty Gold" on Spotify and it is actually a pretty damn awesome album. 'Deep Sea Diver' is my favourite track, but 'Angels and Airwaves' came up on my compilation I was listening to and thought it was pretty apt for the moment. 


 Here is a quick sample of the final lyrics, just so you can understand the perfect timing of writing this post and the pleasure it was to have it come on when it did. 
"So when you feel so invisible you're not even sure you exist
So you cut yourself open just to see if you real
You numb yourself with drugs just to hide what you feel
You drink the washed up pain in hopes of rejecting it afterwards
You live everyday wishing you could rewind your life backwards
Because you wanna figure out where the fuck you went wrong
Cause everything in your world ain't been right for so long
I know how it feels
So this is for you
If you're thinking it now
If you're wanting to die
If you're thinking it out
You are so much more than you are in this moment
You never know how great you can be
Don't give up on you

I didn't gave up on me"
Anyways, I think that is enough for now...
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